From Partners to Roommates: How to Heal Your Relationship from“Roommate Syndrome”

 

What is Roommate Syndrome?

Roommate Syndrome has become the buzz phrase for romantic partnerships that are running low on passion.

Esther Perel, psychotherapist, author and speaker, who works with couples and conceived the idea of “erotic intelligence”, views Roommate Syndrome as a very common, or even inevitable, phase in long-term relationships. Roommate Syndrome often grows from a prioritization of safety, comfort, co-parenting, and logistics over passion. 

As our relationship’s journey changes and grows, and more responsibilities get added to the equation, the less energy, time and capacity we have for our partnership.

Does this sound familiar?

Your kids need you; Your work needs you; The laundry needs you; The thousands of other demands in life need to be taken care of, or there will be immediate consequences.

Our partnership often falls to the bottom of the priority list, not because it is least important, but because the consequences of neglect usually don’t show themselves for some time and we are just trying to get done what needs to get done each day.

How Can My Partner and I Feel Less Like Roommates and More Connected?

Connection in long-term relationships is something we create. We need to feed our connection so that passion and intimacy can grow.

I often talk to the couples I work with about each individual contributing to their shared relationship bank account. The loving ways each person shows up for their partner is feeding the relationship bank account and the healthier the bank account, the more secure, connected and united both partners feel.

Feeding the relationship bank account doesn’t have to be expensive, time-consuming, or take a lot of planning. The little things matter:

Consider how connected your relationship is in the following areas (and go easy on yourselves. Every relationship has strengths and challenges):

Emotional Intimacy

Do you share feelings, desires, fears with each other? Do you feel safe to share and hear each other?

Physical Intimacy

Do you share non-sexual and sexual touch and connection? Is cuddling, holding hands, eye contact, hugs and kisses the norm in your relationship?

Intellectual Intimacy

Do you share ideas, projects, and hobbies together? Do you have opportunities to collaborate to take part in shared achievements?

Commitment and Safety

Do you feel safe and secure in your relationship, knowing that you are both committed to each other and your shared life?

Why is it so Difficult to try to Connect and What Can We Do?

So, if connecting is easy in terms of energy and money required, then why is it so difficult sometimes!? Well, connecting requires vulnerability, and vulnerability is scary! We might fear rejection or fear we won’t receive vulnerability back, or sometimes in life, we are afraid to try because we are not sure we want to find out if it’s just not fixable.

Here are some steps and things to consider in creating more connection:

Step 1: Talk with your partner in a calm and non-blameful tone. Let them know that you really want to feel closer and more connected; Let them know you value your relationship and appreciate their partnership, and that you miss the more romantic and intimate side of your relationship together.

Step 2: Get guidance. A counsellor trained in supporting couples and navigating cycles and dynamics of long-term relationships can be very helpful. You’ll be surprised what a few sessions can do for you. Books and podcasts that you share can also be helpful. Read or listen together or independently and then come together and share takeaways.

Step 3: Learn what your partner needs to feel loved and special to you. You can start to explore your own needs and your partner’s on www.5lovelanguages.com/resources.

Step 4: Start creating space and time for your relationship that is sacred (that means not negotiable…written in pen in the calendar). It doesn’t have to be hours, but it does have to be committed. Maybe a date night once a month. Maybe shutting off the screens in the evening and playing a game together, talking, or going for a walk. Connection will not grow without dedicated one-on-one time spent together.

Connection is Nice, but What About Sex?

Going back to the idea that connection in long-term relationships is something we create, and we need to feed our connection so that passion and intimacy can grow. Intimacy is much more than sex. Intimacy is a big pool. Sex is a part of that big pool.

If we work on creating a connection every day in our relationship and we feed that bank account, sex will become a natural part of the intimacy in our relationship.

If you are struggling to talk about intimacy and sex in your relationship, please reach out to talk to someone. If we can't talk about sex, then it is going to feel very difficult to have barrier-free sex. Often, understanding our partner's fears, desires, and experiences can create more connection and melt the barriers to having a sex life that is fulfilling for both partners.

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About the Author

Julie Petrynko brings 25 years of experience in the helping field as an educator, counsellor, and clinical supervisor. Julie started private practice counselling in 2012 and now owns and operates Peak Experience Counselling in beautiful Squamish, BC. She is very experienced working with individual adults and youth as well as couples. Julie is also enthusiastic about her work as a clinical supervisor and offers guidance for others entering and working in the helping profession. She offers compassion, wisdom, and acceptance. Julie shows up authentically, which helps her clients feel at home in session and safe showing up as their most genuine selves.